Dangerous Lies that Lead to Infidelity

Marital affairs rarely happen randomly. They result from believing and justifying lies. In marriage, believing lies is like removing the fastening screws. It is dangerous, causes bad decisions, and leads to signs of infidelity and broken marriages. Exposing lies for what they are keep us from falling into their traps and knowing the warning signs of infidelity can keep the dominoes from falling. Here are the dangerous lies that lead to infidelity. Although I am speaking to husbands, I believe these apply equally to wives as well.

My wife should make me happy/ I deserve to be happy.

Marriage is actually not about happiness. It may be a part of it at times. The problem is that this attitude is selfishness, plain and simple. When this attitude is nurtured, spouse blaming becomes routine; bitterness is right around the corner. The list of negative qualities in the spouse gets longer and longer. All it does is attempt to justify the selfish attitude so the person is free to chase happiness or the greener grass. Marriage is about dying to self, giving, and loving in good times and bad. That’s why it’s so difficult, but also so rewarding.

There’s nothing wrong with a little flirting.

It’s exciting. When someone finds you sexually attractive it feels good, particularly when you feel the same way about them. No one wants to lose that feeling, they want it to continue. So they justify it by telling this to themselves accompanied by It doesn’t mean anything. It does. It’s hurtful to the spouse because it trains the heart to wander. It’s natural to have those feelings, but playing with them gives the wrong person an improper place in the heart. Flirting is like entering a river with a powerful current that ends at a large drop-off.

What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

This attitude can take root in the person doing something they know would make their spouse upset. They recognize it’s wrong and probably feel guilty, but don’t want to stop. In an attempt to make themselves feel better, they simply tell themselves: It’s not like I’m hurting anyone. It does hurt. Secrets cause disconnection. Spouses can intuitively sense when there is distance, no matter the degree. They may not address it, but they sense it. Believing a lie like this is just the beginning of allowing disconnection to enter the relationship. The distance just gets wider and wider until this person connects to someone else.

I have sexual needs.

Food is a need. Sex is not a need, it’s a desire. An attitude such as this one gives sexual urges too much power. It is also a subtle way to justify pursuing sex outside of marriage. Once it’s justified in the person’s heart and mind, acting on it becomes easier. You can make an argument that sex is a need for the health of the relationship, but in that case, it is a need for the husband and the wife together, not just for one of them. Any sexual feelings having to do with just you is a desire, not a need.

Our marriage problems are HER fault.

Marriage relationships consist of two people. One person might be more responsible, but not completely to blame. This is a convenient way to avoid responsibility. Anytime a person avoids responsibility, blames others, or justifies themselves, they become colder. Walls of defense get fortified and the separation begins. Note: There are occasions where one person is completely to blame, but those are rare.

- With thanks to BJ Foster

Signs of an Emotional Affair

It normally starts with a rough patch in the marriage. One spouse feels rejected. She doesn’t feel like he pays attention to her or he feels like she is never interested in sex. Someone gets hurt, maybe even repeatedly. The feelings and voices replay over and over again, “He doesn’t appreciate me.” “She never shows me affection.” “He takes me for granted.” “She doesn’t love me.” Then it happens. While at work or a party, there is an interaction with someone of the opposite sex. The person feels good and excited, two emotions that haven’t been felt in a while. These are all of the things they used to feel with their spouse. They can’t wait for the next time they see or talk to that person. After a while, they look forward to interacting with that person more than their spouse.

Emotional affairs are a real and painful form of infidelity. However, at what point has the line been crossed? Answering yes to the following questions are signs you are having an emotional affair or headed that way.

Are you hiding things from your spouse?

“The moment you keep secrets from your spouse about relationships with others, the betrayal begins.”This is the biggest and most telling signal. The moment you keep secrets from your spouse about relationships with others, the betrayal begins. Deleting texts and emails, putting passwords in place to restrict access or starting a new email account your spouse doesn’t know about crosses the line.

Do you feel a greater connection to this person over your spouse?

Do you feel like this person understands you more than your spouse? Are you having more deeply personal talks with this person more than your wife? Do you talk to her about your marital problems? If you find yourself leaning on this person for emotional support, your connection with them is going to grow as will your disconnection with your spouse.

Do the two of you flirt with one another?

Giving someone a compliment is fine, however flirting is a violation. Flirting is being overly or strategically complimentary. It is sending someone signals that you are attracted to them and open to their reciprocated affection. It is gazing eye contact and suggestive touching with a spirit of attraction. It’s important to be honest about your intentions because the other person will pick up on your feelings and so will your spouse.

Do you daydream about this person?

When you are with your spouse are you preoccupied with thinking about the other person? Do you think about her more than your wife? Do you get excited when you think about your interactions, replaying the old ones and looking forward to the next time? At this point, your heart is entangled. The more time you spend thinking about the other person the more cracks appear in your marriage. Your spouse will sense the problem and feel the neglect.

Do they fill a ‘missing piece’ in your life or marriage?

Whether it is lack of attention, hurt feelings or just boredom, something is missing in your marriage. Are you trying to fill that hole with this friend? Do they give you things your marriage no longer does? If you are finding the attention you lack or are experiencing the thrill you used to feel for your spouse, you are there. As long as you are finding those things from a person other than your spouse, your marriage will continue to lose more life and be in danger.

- With thanks to BJ Foster

Guidance on Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Spouse

Question: 

What can I do about the harsh and hurtful things my husband/wife says to me?

Answer: 

I am sorry to learn of the frustration and pain you have experienced as a result of your husband’s/wife's hurtful words. It is distressing to be on the receiving end of very cutting and abrupt comments that wound one’s spirit.

Some people, for reasons known only to themselves, often speak to others in this manner. Sometimes a harsh and insensitive attitude shields a person who himself has been wounded by the remarks of others. In any case, we can understand the problems you are having. Remember that God loves you, and you are important in His sight. He loves you so much that He sent Christ to die for your sins.

As you focus on the fact that God loves you and considers you precious to Him, there will be a real difference in your life. Your sense of self-worth does not need to depend on the opinion of others.

Be sure you do not act toward your husband/wife in the way he acts toward you. It is easy in a situation like yours to do just that. But that does not solve the problem—it only makes it worse. The Bible tells us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). It also says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4). Affirm and support your loved one in your conversations. Your example may help him to learn to do the same for you. Read also Ephesians 4:29-32.

I would encourage you to find a time when you can speak frankly (and yet lovingly) with your husband/wife. Perhaps he is not even aware you are hurt by the things he says, and although he may not be intentionally hurting you, he needs to be aware of your feelings.

Communication is important in a good marriage, and you and your husband need to learn to share your concerns (as well as your joys) with each other. Read 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, and Ephesians 5:28-29. Many couples have found the counsel of a Gospel-teaching pastor or Christian marriage counselor to be helpful in strengthening relationships and improving communication skills.

I would urge both you and your husband/wife to examine your relationship with Christ. Have you committed your lives to Christ? Are you seeking to follow Him? If not, make that commitment now, and learn the joy of having Christ at the center of your marriage.

When a husband and wife are truly seeking to honor Christ, they will not want to hurt each other—quite the opposite, they will want to encourage each other. As you pray and learn from God’s Word together, God will help both of you become the loving partners He wants you to be.